Have you ever come to a crossroads in a relationship and realized you could have done better? I think most everyone has. I have a long history of complicated relationships, starting with my alcoholic father and continuing through to my children. I find myself pondering whether I was a good enough parent.
My oldest son leaves for Army boot camp next week. We’ve had a really bumpy road for the past two years. Our household has always been tumultuous (courtesy of dramatic Italian men!), but his senior year in high school was especially grueling. And the past year has been an emotional pit that I just can’t climb out of.
To an extent, I’ve been in his shoes. I couldn’t wait to get away from home when I was 18. I chose more wisely (in my opinion!) and enlisted in the Air Force. For me there was no other option than to succeed. I had a couple of “moments,” but I was never in any danger of not completing basic training. From there it was a relatively easy ride: do what you’re told, when you’re told, and how you’re told and you’ll do well. I was able to grow up, make mistakes, and clean up my own messes. I learned that I was a strong and capable person. I hope my son discovers an equally meaningful aspect of himself.
I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on the good, the bad, and the ugly aspects of my relationship with my son. Regardless of what I see, it is bittersweet and my heart breaks. I honestly believe I did the best I could at the time; time and age bring wisdom and insight (also known as hindsight). I am sure that we laid a solid foundation for him, but I still ponder whether I could have done better. I keep coming up with, “Of course you could have!” Then I come back full-circle and realize that hindsight really is 20/20 vision. If only I had known then what I know now....
I don’t think I’m unlike most mothers when I worry about his well-being, his choices, and his emotional state. I admit, I have spoken endlessly to him attempting to guide his choices for long-term success. Unfortunately, I spoke so much, he tuned me out! God’s lesson here is for me to keep quiet and let the boy grow up and make his own choices. I’m trying to listen to that lesson, but it is NOT an easy one!
Regardless of the past, I’ll look to the future and see my son off. I’ll pray the Army gives him what he’s looking for and helps him become the man he wants to be. I’ll also pray that “good enough” was, indeed, good enough.
"I’ll love you forever,
I’ll love you for always,
As long as I’m living,
My baby you’ll be."
Good luck, Nico. I love you! ~ Mom
Monday, August 10, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Tired of Being Grateful!
I'm tired of being "grateful" to have a job! I work hard and I deserve to have a job! Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying I'm more deserving than the next guy or the folks in the unemployment line -- I'm not. I'm just sick of "The Man" thinking he's doing me a favor by keeping me employed.
Truth be told, I AM grateful to have a job...I thank God most every day for my abundant blessings. I have always chosen to work (good thing because I need the money!). I’d be lost without a job, and not just monetarily.
The problem is “The Man,” who I define as corporate America making policies and decisions to ensure his/her pocket continues to be abundantly lined, increasingly treats the working class as unnecessary and dispensable. He doesn’t see the value of people who are not just like him. He doesn’t appreciate or reward years of hard work and dedication. He’s looking for the newest Whiz Kid to steer his company into the future.
Because he does not value, he toys with his minions, like a cat with a mouse. He cuts positions and makes the little people do more work for the same pay. He mandates unpaid furloughs. When his pockets still aren’t fat enough, he cuts pay.
Indeed, The Man does not realize that the working class is the very backbone of his company. They keep the integrity of his product intact. They attend to the day-in and day-out details of daily operations. They show loyalty and dedication to “The Man,” but he does not acknowledge their significance.
“Mr. Man,” I realize you could be much crueler, but I have worked hard for you for many years. I have made many sacrifices to ensure the success of your company. I have done a good job and I have earned the privilege of working for your company…I DESERVE to be employed.
Truth be told, I AM grateful to have a job...I thank God most every day for my abundant blessings. I have always chosen to work (good thing because I need the money!). I’d be lost without a job, and not just monetarily.
The problem is “The Man,” who I define as corporate America making policies and decisions to ensure his/her pocket continues to be abundantly lined, increasingly treats the working class as unnecessary and dispensable. He doesn’t see the value of people who are not just like him. He doesn’t appreciate or reward years of hard work and dedication. He’s looking for the newest Whiz Kid to steer his company into the future.
Because he does not value, he toys with his minions, like a cat with a mouse. He cuts positions and makes the little people do more work for the same pay. He mandates unpaid furloughs. When his pockets still aren’t fat enough, he cuts pay.
Indeed, The Man does not realize that the working class is the very backbone of his company. They keep the integrity of his product intact. They attend to the day-in and day-out details of daily operations. They show loyalty and dedication to “The Man,” but he does not acknowledge their significance.
“Mr. Man,” I realize you could be much crueler, but I have worked hard for you for many years. I have made many sacrifices to ensure the success of your company. I have done a good job and I have earned the privilege of working for your company…I DESERVE to be employed.
Friday, June 19, 2009
He Didn’t Have To Be – But I’m Glad He Was
Brad Paisley co-wrote a song about my dad. Although I’m sure if you asked him, he’d say he get’s that a lot but it isn’t about my dad (nor the next person in line with the same claim). He’s glad I like the song, though. I like my version better – it IS about my dad.
You probably already guessed the song I write of is “He Didn’t Have To Be.” It’s a wonderful ballad about a man, a step-dad, who is such a good father that the young man hopes to be half as good as. Here’s a YouTube link if you want to take a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iin2EgTsC9o
It’s not uncommon for families to be stepped, anymore. I’ve pondered how difficult it must be to fall in love with that perfect someone and assume new or added parental responsibilities from the very beginning. Talk about baggage! We all know of or have seen situations that are less than ideal and everyone is unhappy, even miserable. But what about when it really works? What kind of people does it take to make it work? Who wants to work that hard? Who wants to take that big of a risk? Of course, I think I know all the answers – afterall, my dad was so great that Brad Paisley co-wrote a song about him!
I remember the first time Wayne came to pick up my Mom for a date. I was nearly 12 and I figured I knew how to tell if a guy was cool. He was nice, didn’t talk down to me, and he didn’t suck up to me (you know, the ol’ impress-Mom-by-how-nice-I-am-to-the-kid routine). He was handsome, too! Best of all, he didn’t creep me out! He got my seal of approval from the start.
After they were married, there were adjustments to be made. From my vantage point, he took it all in stride. He knew my sister and I needed a father, someone we could love and respect who would keep us on the straight and narrow (well, he tried!). When we made him mad, we knew it! He did not take our crap, that’s for sure. Wayne knew who he was and what he stood for and he always worked to instill those values in us.
My favorite thing about Wayne was his humor, it was contagious. He made Mom laugh all the time (and she needed to laugh). He found humor in most things. Of course, I was an easy target of his humor; oh, how he loved to make me blush!
I didn’t always make things easy for my Mom and Dad. As I look back, I think realizing that makes me appreciate even more how incredibly blessed I am to have the privilege of calling Wayne my “Dad.” He loved my Mom enough to love me and my sister as his own – he didn’t have to, but I’m glad he did.
I love you, Dad, and wish I’d loved you better while you were still with us. I miss you.
You probably already guessed the song I write of is “He Didn’t Have To Be.” It’s a wonderful ballad about a man, a step-dad, who is such a good father that the young man hopes to be half as good as. Here’s a YouTube link if you want to take a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iin2EgTsC9o
It’s not uncommon for families to be stepped, anymore. I’ve pondered how difficult it must be to fall in love with that perfect someone and assume new or added parental responsibilities from the very beginning. Talk about baggage! We all know of or have seen situations that are less than ideal and everyone is unhappy, even miserable. But what about when it really works? What kind of people does it take to make it work? Who wants to work that hard? Who wants to take that big of a risk? Of course, I think I know all the answers – afterall, my dad was so great that Brad Paisley co-wrote a song about him!
I remember the first time Wayne came to pick up my Mom for a date. I was nearly 12 and I figured I knew how to tell if a guy was cool. He was nice, didn’t talk down to me, and he didn’t suck up to me (you know, the ol’ impress-Mom-by-how-nice-I-am-to-the-kid routine). He was handsome, too! Best of all, he didn’t creep me out! He got my seal of approval from the start.
After they were married, there were adjustments to be made. From my vantage point, he took it all in stride. He knew my sister and I needed a father, someone we could love and respect who would keep us on the straight and narrow (well, he tried!). When we made him mad, we knew it! He did not take our crap, that’s for sure. Wayne knew who he was and what he stood for and he always worked to instill those values in us.
My favorite thing about Wayne was his humor, it was contagious. He made Mom laugh all the time (and she needed to laugh). He found humor in most things. Of course, I was an easy target of his humor; oh, how he loved to make me blush!
I didn’t always make things easy for my Mom and Dad. As I look back, I think realizing that makes me appreciate even more how incredibly blessed I am to have the privilege of calling Wayne my “Dad.” He loved my Mom enough to love me and my sister as his own – he didn’t have to, but I’m glad he did.
I love you, Dad, and wish I’d loved you better while you were still with us. I miss you.
Monday, June 15, 2009
WARNING: Student Driver
Have you ever been out and about driving, and look beside you to see a student driver? I always feel reassured when they are in a marked car with an instructor. But what about when it’s a parent teaching a teen to drive? I used to pity the kid – learning to drive is a stressful thing. That was then, this is now. Now, I pity the parent!
I was fortunate with my oldest son, my husband covered the practical skills and I was more of a practice coach. With my youngest son, however, I have gotten the lion’s share of “teaching.” It’s driving me batty! I practically crouch in my seat, at the ready to jump out the window if necessary! Not that he’s doing all that poorly, but he sure does like to hug the right side of the road. There are a lot of things on the right side of the road: curbs, sidewalks, parked cars, bicycle riders….
The only positive (so far) is I’m able to bribe him into doing any chore I want so that he can drive. I think a little manipulation is fair exchange for the years he’s shaving from my life each time he gets behind the wheel.
I was fortunate with my oldest son, my husband covered the practical skills and I was more of a practice coach. With my youngest son, however, I have gotten the lion’s share of “teaching.” It’s driving me batty! I practically crouch in my seat, at the ready to jump out the window if necessary! Not that he’s doing all that poorly, but he sure does like to hug the right side of the road. There are a lot of things on the right side of the road: curbs, sidewalks, parked cars, bicycle riders….
The only positive (so far) is I’m able to bribe him into doing any chore I want so that he can drive. I think a little manipulation is fair exchange for the years he’s shaving from my life each time he gets behind the wheel.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Tough Choice
I made a very difficult decision this week: I quit my part-time, second job. One might think that it would be an easy choice -- afterall, who really wants to work two jobs?!
It's true, I missed having time (in any quantity) to do things I enjoy. I haven't been productive with my craft of knit and crochet, I haven't walked my dogs, I haven't read nearly as many books as I'd like. I have not found quality time I need to write. We won't discuss the (disorderly) state of my house!
My second job was a surprise pleasure for me. I sell draperies and custom blinds (or at least I do until July 1st!). Besides the fact that I have to deal with fractions daily (yuck!) and re-learned my multiplication table (the wheels need oil!), this is a creative outlet that I hadn't expected and -- an even bigger surprise -- I'm not bad at it! Go figure! Watching HGTV does do good!
I feel like an integral part of the team. There are only four of us, so it's important to be a team. There were many times I went to work feeling blue, beaten down, practically worthless and I walked out feeling really good about the job I'd done that day.
So why give it up? Well, that's a whole another blog! In short, something had to give because I've decided that attending college is a priority for me right now. I can't work two jobs and go to school and achieve quality results at all three. So, I keep the full-time job and go to school.
I willl miss my team and the work itself. I leave on a high note because I know that on my last day those I leave behind will not be glad to see the back side of me.
It's true, I missed having time (in any quantity) to do things I enjoy. I haven't been productive with my craft of knit and crochet, I haven't walked my dogs, I haven't read nearly as many books as I'd like. I have not found quality time I need to write. We won't discuss the (disorderly) state of my house!
My second job was a surprise pleasure for me. I sell draperies and custom blinds (or at least I do until July 1st!). Besides the fact that I have to deal with fractions daily (yuck!) and re-learned my multiplication table (the wheels need oil!), this is a creative outlet that I hadn't expected and -- an even bigger surprise -- I'm not bad at it! Go figure! Watching HGTV does do good!
I feel like an integral part of the team. There are only four of us, so it's important to be a team. There were many times I went to work feeling blue, beaten down, practically worthless and I walked out feeling really good about the job I'd done that day.
So why give it up? Well, that's a whole another blog! In short, something had to give because I've decided that attending college is a priority for me right now. I can't work two jobs and go to school and achieve quality results at all three. So, I keep the full-time job and go to school.
I willl miss my team and the work itself. I leave on a high note because I know that on my last day those I leave behind will not be glad to see the back side of me.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
People + Telephone = Bad Combination
Human beings and telephones are a dangerous combination! Sounds absurd, right? Maybe I should rephrase: Some human beings just should not be given a telephone! Better? It amazes me every day the way people behave on a telephone.
I have the unfortunate task of answering telephones as a part of my job. Not surprisingly, people’s phone manners are as diverse as the people themselves.
* I frequently get calls from frustrated people who just want to bitch out whoever answers the telephone – never mind if that person has anything to do with the problem or can even fix it.
* Then there are the people who are condescending asses on the telephone; you can just see their nose jutted up in the air!
* Of course, there are those who think it’s appropriate to talk as if they know you and try to carry a conversation – get to the point please!
* Depending on my mood, I find it amusing that people call with a question, but then don’t shut up long enough to hear the answer. If you just want to rant, don’t ask a question to begin with.
* How about the “brave” callers who leave a nasty voicemail, full of insults, but don’t leave a telephone number for you to call them back?! Cowards!
* Some callers have trouble managing their frustration and end up hanging up on you. Why call at all if you’re going to hang up on me?
* Callers can be impatient. Our company telephone greeting is somewhat lengthy (and I have to say it over and over again every day!) and callers don’t want to wait until I’m finished, they start talking right away. I’m sure they think me rude when I ask them to repeat what they said because I’m not able to (don’t want to?) talk and listen at the same time.
* The most annoying are the telemarketers. For trying to market their product(s), they really take stupid approaches. One of my favorite ones to pick on is a recording that begins with “This call is important to us, please stay on the line…” If it’s so important, why is it a recording and not an actual person. Whoever thought of that one was a real genius!
* I have a great deal of respect for my elders. Unfortunately, a good number of my elders are grumpy old men (and women). I understand being less tolerant of certain things as one ages (I’m guilty myself), but some people seem to have been in short supply of pleasantness from the very beginning.
The invention of the telephone was a wonderful thing; unfortunately, some people just have to ruin a good thing.
I have the unfortunate task of answering telephones as a part of my job. Not surprisingly, people’s phone manners are as diverse as the people themselves.
* I frequently get calls from frustrated people who just want to bitch out whoever answers the telephone – never mind if that person has anything to do with the problem or can even fix it.
* Then there are the people who are condescending asses on the telephone; you can just see their nose jutted up in the air!
* Of course, there are those who think it’s appropriate to talk as if they know you and try to carry a conversation – get to the point please!
* Depending on my mood, I find it amusing that people call with a question, but then don’t shut up long enough to hear the answer. If you just want to rant, don’t ask a question to begin with.
* How about the “brave” callers who leave a nasty voicemail, full of insults, but don’t leave a telephone number for you to call them back?! Cowards!
* Some callers have trouble managing their frustration and end up hanging up on you. Why call at all if you’re going to hang up on me?
* Callers can be impatient. Our company telephone greeting is somewhat lengthy (and I have to say it over and over again every day!) and callers don’t want to wait until I’m finished, they start talking right away. I’m sure they think me rude when I ask them to repeat what they said because I’m not able to (don’t want to?) talk and listen at the same time.
* The most annoying are the telemarketers. For trying to market their product(s), they really take stupid approaches. One of my favorite ones to pick on is a recording that begins with “This call is important to us, please stay on the line…” If it’s so important, why is it a recording and not an actual person. Whoever thought of that one was a real genius!
* I have a great deal of respect for my elders. Unfortunately, a good number of my elders are grumpy old men (and women). I understand being less tolerant of certain things as one ages (I’m guilty myself), but some people seem to have been in short supply of pleasantness from the very beginning.
The invention of the telephone was a wonderful thing; unfortunately, some people just have to ruin a good thing.
Personality Change
Have you ever tried to change your personality? I’ve made superficial changes like being more tolerant of others, recognizing when to keep my mouth shut, refining my self-discipline. These things have taken some effort, but not extraordinary quantities.
For the past few years, I’ve been trying to change a larger, more core trait of my personality: priorities. Yes, I’m trying to change my priorities. Sounds simple, I agree. Sometimes it is. But the specific priority I’m trying to change is the priority I place on the work aspect of my life. Ever since I was a slick sleeve in the Air Force, I’ve made work a defining factor of who I am. I enjoy (relish, actually) working hard and contributing to the success of the team. I’ve built my sense of self-esteem and value on my job performance.
A few years ago, I was informed that when our Receptionist retired I would absorb those duties (at least I got to keep most of my own work). I understand budget cuts, but it was still difficult for me. I had spent the better part of 25 years working toward the goal of advancing, not backsliding. I had worked hard for the company, learned and acquired new duties whenever possible, and made sacrifices. I worked weekends on a regular basis; if I’d had my “priorities” straight, I would have spent that time with my family.
I’m not proud to say that I didn’t handle this situation well (could have been worse, but definitely could have been better). I’ve suffered consequences as a result and I’m now sitting at the front desk. My pride has been squashed and my heart broken. I’ve been told that I should just be glad to have a job. I don’t disagree (I’m not shallow enough to not realize and appreciate the blessing of having a job), but hearing it just adds insult to injury. Why am I so lucky and not everyone else; they didn’t get downsized, I did – and on display in the lobby for all and creation to see. The way I see it, I deserved better. But I need a job, so there I sit.
I digress. Throughout this process, I’ve realized that I place too much emphasis on work. I struggle between logic and reality. Logic says work shouldn’t be what gives me my identity and sense of value. Reality says that I feel most motivated and engaged when I’m at work. I have hobbies and other interests, I even have a second job and started going to college. So far these things are no match for that feeling of soaring with eagles (no turkey’s for me!) at work. Where I once felt the rush that doing good work gives on a daily basis, I now feel it on occasion. I miss it.
The struggle continues. I’ve got a misconnected wire somewhere in my brain, it shouldn’t be this way. My priorities are wrong. Trying to change is difficult. My logic tells me work should be about enabling me to pursue other, more fun interests, but when I’m honest with myself I see that I’m not convinced.
For the past few years, I’ve been trying to change a larger, more core trait of my personality: priorities. Yes, I’m trying to change my priorities. Sounds simple, I agree. Sometimes it is. But the specific priority I’m trying to change is the priority I place on the work aspect of my life. Ever since I was a slick sleeve in the Air Force, I’ve made work a defining factor of who I am. I enjoy (relish, actually) working hard and contributing to the success of the team. I’ve built my sense of self-esteem and value on my job performance.
A few years ago, I was informed that when our Receptionist retired I would absorb those duties (at least I got to keep most of my own work). I understand budget cuts, but it was still difficult for me. I had spent the better part of 25 years working toward the goal of advancing, not backsliding. I had worked hard for the company, learned and acquired new duties whenever possible, and made sacrifices. I worked weekends on a regular basis; if I’d had my “priorities” straight, I would have spent that time with my family.
I’m not proud to say that I didn’t handle this situation well (could have been worse, but definitely could have been better). I’ve suffered consequences as a result and I’m now sitting at the front desk. My pride has been squashed and my heart broken. I’ve been told that I should just be glad to have a job. I don’t disagree (I’m not shallow enough to not realize and appreciate the blessing of having a job), but hearing it just adds insult to injury. Why am I so lucky and not everyone else; they didn’t get downsized, I did – and on display in the lobby for all and creation to see. The way I see it, I deserved better. But I need a job, so there I sit.
I digress. Throughout this process, I’ve realized that I place too much emphasis on work. I struggle between logic and reality. Logic says work shouldn’t be what gives me my identity and sense of value. Reality says that I feel most motivated and engaged when I’m at work. I have hobbies and other interests, I even have a second job and started going to college. So far these things are no match for that feeling of soaring with eagles (no turkey’s for me!) at work. Where I once felt the rush that doing good work gives on a daily basis, I now feel it on occasion. I miss it.
The struggle continues. I’ve got a misconnected wire somewhere in my brain, it shouldn’t be this way. My priorities are wrong. Trying to change is difficult. My logic tells me work should be about enabling me to pursue other, more fun interests, but when I’m honest with myself I see that I’m not convinced.
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