Personality Change

Have you ever tried to change your personality? I’ve made superficial changes like being more tolerant of others, recognizing when to keep my mouth shut, refining my self-discipline. These things have taken some effort, but not extraordinary quantities.

For the past few years, I’ve been trying to change a larger, more core trait of my personality: priorities. Yes, I’m trying to change my priorities. Sounds simple, I agree. Sometimes it is. But the specific priority I’m trying to change is the priority I place on the work aspect of my life. Ever since I was a slick sleeve in the Air Force, I’ve made work a defining factor of who I am. I enjoy (relish, actually) working hard and contributing to the success of the team. I’ve built my sense of self-esteem and value on my job performance.

A few years ago, I was informed that when our Receptionist retired I would absorb those duties (at least I got to keep most of my own work). I understand budget cuts, but it was still difficult for me. I had spent the better part of 25 years working toward the goal of advancing, not backsliding. I had worked hard for the company, learned and acquired new duties whenever possible, and made sacrifices. I worked weekends on a regular basis; if I’d had my “priorities” straight, I would have spent that time with my family.

I’m not proud to say that I didn’t handle this situation well (could have been worse, but definitely could have been better). I’ve suffered consequences as a result and I’m now sitting at the front desk. My pride has been squashed and my heart broken. I’ve been told that I should just be glad to have a job. I don’t disagree (I’m not shallow enough to not realize and appreciate the blessing of having a job), but hearing it just adds insult to injury. Why am I so lucky and not everyone else; they didn’t get downsized, I did – and on display in the lobby for all and creation to see. The way I see it, I deserved better. But I need a job, so there I sit.

I digress. Throughout this process, I’ve realized that I place too much emphasis on work. I struggle between logic and reality. Logic says work shouldn’t be what gives me my identity and sense of value. Reality says that I feel most motivated and engaged when I’m at work. I have hobbies and other interests, I even have a second job and started going to college. So far these things are no match for that feeling of soaring with eagles (no turkey’s for me!) at work. Where I once felt the rush that doing good work gives on a daily basis, I now feel it on occasion. I miss it.

The struggle continues. I’ve got a misconnected wire somewhere in my brain, it shouldn’t be this way. My priorities are wrong. Trying to change is difficult. My logic tells me work should be about enabling me to pursue other, more fun interests, but when I’m honest with myself I see that I’m not convinced.